Going through a divorce is a challenging journey. Moving from a shared life to a suddenly singular one is a massive shock to your nervous system. Your worst critic usually shows up right when you’re at your most exhausted, hampering your healing process. It’s time to put a pause to the harsh judgments you place on yourself this time. Here’s how to embrace self-compassion while navigating a divorce.
Understanding Self-Compassion in Divorce
Self-compassion is the act of extending understanding and kindness toward oneself during moments of failure and suffering, which are common in divorce. It’s when you say, “I made some mistakes in my marriage,” instead of “I am a huge mistake.” Self-compassion often involves three key components, including:
- kindness: When you actively comfort yourself instead of engaging in self-criticism;
- mindfulness: Acknowledging your emotions without suppressing or exaggerating them;
- common humanity: Framing your experience not as a personal failure, but as part of the shared, imperfect human experience.
The Psychological Benefits of a Compassionate Mindset
Divorce is a growing phenomenon worldwide. In the UK, there were 103,816 legal partnership dissolution cases in 2023. In the U.S., about half of first marriages end in divorce, with even higher rates for second marriages. During such a significant transition, a compassionate mindset can be a valuable way to support your emotional well-being.
Enhances Resilience
Showing yourself kindness improves your ability to bounce back from challenges and meet your goals. It’s an inner resource that helps you recover from stress and face the next day with more strength. Such a mindset allows you to grow personally despite still dealing with unresolved problems.
Reduces Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety
A compassionate mindset can ease the weight of self-criticism and feelings of isolation that can often contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety. By treating yourself with kindness, you create a space to manage difficult emotions and support your well-being through your divorce.
Improves Coping Mechanisms
Embracing self-compassion means you’re more likely to use healthy coping strategies rather than self-blame or substance use. It helps you build habits that support healing and better movement forward.
Obstacles to Self-Compassion During Divorce
This is a difficult time, and it can be hard not to be down on yourself. Knowing the obstacles to embracing a compassionate mindset is the first step toward overcoming them.
Intense Self-Blame
You may have moments when your brain suddenly goes haywire. You get stuck in a loop, endlessly replaying past conversations and arguments and thinking, “If only I had done X, this wouldn’t have happened.” This thinking keeps you anchored to the past and focused on self-criticism, which is the opposite of self-kindness required for self-compassion.
Feelings of Shame and Failure
Society often holds up marriage as a major life achievement, while a divorce can feel like a personal failure. People may share well-meaning but unhelpful advice, and there’s the possibility of friends choosing sides. This sense of pressure and shame can make you feel unworthy of kindness, even from yourself.
Isolation
Even with supportive friends and family, you may feel there’s no one who truly understands your struggles. This isolation is a barrier to recognizing common humanity or understanding that suffering is a shared life experience.
Financial Strain
Separating households, dividing assets, paying for legal fees and worrying about future financial security can stress you out mentally and financially. If that anxiety is constant, it can consume your mental energy, making it almost impossible to achieve the mindful state necessary to practice self-compassion.
Practical Steps for a Kinder Inner Dialogue
While divorce can feel like a significant ending, it’s also the beginning of a new chapter centered on growth and healing. During this transition, how you care for yourself will lay the foundation for your future. Here are some practical ways to practice self-compassion and ease the pain of divorce:
1. Reframe Your Inner Critic
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. Do you find yourself blaming yourself for what happened? Are you encouraging yourself during this transition?
When you catch yourself engaging in harsh self-talk, pause and ask, “What would I say to a friend who’s going through this exact situation?” Talk to yourself like you would talk to this friend.
2. Create Compassionate Rituals
Small yet impactful rituals can ease your mind and help you regain focus for the day. In the morning, place a hand over your heart and take five deep breaths. After brushing your teeth or washing your face, look in the mirror and offer yourself a kind thought, such as “I am worthy of kindness.” Self-affirmations can help boost your emotional resilience, life satisfaction and happiness.
3. Set Peaceful Boundaries
Self-compassion during divorce is also about protecting your energy from external drains. Identify which people, conversations or situations constantly leave you feeling upset or drained. Set some firm but kind boundaries by saying, “I’m not able to talk about the divorce today.” Limiting your social media time can also help prevent feelings of comparison.
4. Make Time for Yourself
Explore new hobbies or re-ignite old passions. Maybe you enjoyed painting, but didn’t have the time before. Perhaps you want to explore outdoor activities like hiking or cycling.
What you do doesn’t have to be grand, either. Immersing yourself in a good book or in music could help soothe your mind.
5. Seek Supportive Resources
Remember — you’re not alone in this journey. Join support groups centered on mindfulness and self-compassion to help you in this difficult time. There are also communities where you can get insights from others who are or have gone through something similar. If you’re on the fence about opening up to friends and family, a mental health professional could provide the guidance you’ll need.
Build a Peaceful Path Forward
Self-compassion takes time. Some days you’ll practice it, other days you’ll slip back into self-criticism, and that’s OK. Moving forward doesn’t mean moving in a straight line. Sometimes, it’s two steps forward and a graceful stumble back, as long as you keep getting up. Remember to start small and stick to easier practices until they become natural to you.
This is a collaborative post supporting our Peace In Peace Out initiative.
