It took me two months of reflecting, deep thinking, waves of depression, diving into the unknown, meditating, re-reading my journal, dying & re-birthing in order to arrive to the decision of transferring to you my journey to self- realization which is a process of life, light and bliss. I will start with one critical stop: Global Peace on the Move 20, Meditation Retreat: June 2017.
The 14 days at the meditation retreat have been a real roller-coaster ride of internal lively experiences.
Paradox of Feelings
It has been saddening yet joyful, deathly yet re-birthing; it transferred me from the highest mountain to the lowest valley of internal tornado storms. This combination of everything happened while in total body stillness. So what is that paradox? That a body very still could create an internal explosion of all states of being happening within that total motionlessness of the body which led to the fact that my pen never stopped writing, as the flow of insights streamed through me every second, of every minute, of every hour, I was writing non-stop throughout the whole day a combination of insights, observations and inspirations.
My state of being transferred each day from one state to another, at the beginning it was a feeling of: excitement, lightness, enjoyment, then transferred to feelings of sadness, loss, fear, insecurity, imprisonment, conflict, distraction, confusion until gradually on the 7th day, I was arriving somewhere more of a stable state: calmness, silence, tranquility, serenity, stillness, blissfulness, emotionlessness, neutrality, contentment and insight. My journey was a journey of the self, cutting its way through the distortions of my mind, and reaching to rest peacefully within its true nature.
There is a thin line between the past and the future, which is the present moment. At Dhammakaya Sanctuary, I was living in that moment called “the present”, where everything was expressing itself into a form of life, where it’s the only time possible to notice what’s happening in its precise details using all the 5 senses, and being in the moment of now allowed me the chance to witness a miracle called: LIFE. As I was pulled into it when every morning we woke up at 5 AM just at the awakening moment of the forest itself, the moment when the forest came to life.
As I walked barefoot to the meditation room, I could feel the connection between me and the mother earth, as every part of the forest gently caressed every part of my existence leaving me in a state of calm vividness. I could feel the swift breeze waving its “good morning” at my eyes, and I could inhale the freshening of the leaves through my nose, and lungs, and my whole body as it smelled all the scents of the forest coming together into one specific smell, greenness.
Reaching the view up the mountain next to the meditation room as the sun comes up every day rising like a true queen, I felt the spirit of the whole universe shining up in front of my bare eyes, where I was the only person watching this miraculous moment, it’s the moment my heart was fulfilled with total bliss, as I greeted this place with my “sun salutation” sequence, and spiritually connected with everything that was alive there. All this magical combination of the nature brought me up to life every day of my GPM 20.
On the 8th of June (6th day of the retreat), Teaching Monk Luang Phi Pasura guided the session, which started as any other meditation sessions, however what blossomed out of it was: EXTRAORDINARY.
One second made all the difference, as I was no longer hearing the monk’s voice guiding the meditation session, my breathing came to a point where it was very slow & very still, like I was barely breathing, and there was no sensation of my physical body. My mind was clear and empty, no thoughts were regenerating. My whole existence disconnected from the present moment, I was not here but nowhere else… I was within my being.
Total silence expanded deeply within my whole existence, layers of peace spread within my center and a pure light shining beyond those layers of peace, an explosion of total bliss blossomed within me, as I came to meet my true self. It was beyond joy, beyond happy, beyond any earthly description. That connection of love within, left me in a state of total completeness, total contentment of being my own self which lies there, endlessly beautifully and blissfully, within the layers of silence something was happening, changing, it was the “self” revealing itself in its’ truest nature.